NAN - Not A Number

 
    NAN – Not A Number: a purported numeric representation found invalid by any CPU

Face down with my eyes closed for a moment on a brilliant summer day

Switching my thoughts from dry and empty words to illustrative imaging

Arms outspread and feeling for earth’s smooth rotation underneath me

Smelling the moist brown sod beneath the green grass that’s tickling my nose

Ears pricked to catch the silence of our planet’s revolution about its star

Feeling the moon tracing around us, constantly changing her expression

Alert to the momentary minuscule changes in the output of our sun on my back

Aware of its rotational plane with respect to our own Milky Way

Observing as I move slowly upward and somewhere away from myself

Brain waves smoothing into that ancient, nearly-forgotten, frequency and rhythm

Relaxing, smoothing and soothing every part of my conscious anatomy

Anchoring at a center from which all things move away at the speed of light

NAN is not a number but it is the sum of all of my small experiences

My own unique personal version from one of the uncountable different infinities

Feeling my heart slowing as it nonetheless inexorably tolls my 3 billion allotted beats

Hearing an old German church bell again on that quiet Sunday morning in October

But, jet-lagged and sleep-deprived or fit and well-rested, my dust will be the same

Merging with smaller galaxies we encounter, on a route that seems to be directed

Tracing a path through the cosmos without conscious purpose and to no planned end

Aware of the bee as she buzzes about a neighbor of mine standing here in full flower

Relative To One Another

I am slowing down as you are speeding up and we pass at an angle to time

They go up and we move down with the vast oceanic swells between us

Rotating slowly I see the beauty of the stars and galaxies all around us

Spinning too fast in my time I became disoriented and confused

I am folding up my ragged tent as you stake your newest claim

Her mother can no longer stand but your child has just learned to crawl

I am passing you as he is passing me and we cannot yet get out of their way

There is a new well in your village and we celebrate by our swimming pool

I read my book as you send one-fingered messages off somewhere into the ether

The snow that sent you off the road was welcomed by the farmers

We carved different ellipses around an invisible center of gravity

They waste more than they can ever use as we eke by on castoff remnants

I traveled quite slowly but was struck head-on by a speeding semi

When at last I returned it seemed nothing had changed but no one recognized me, either

The loss of the microscopic diatoms spelled disaster for the whales

Parts of seconds were to seconds as seconds were to the age of the universe

Her long lifetime could not be seen on the smallest of geologic time scales

All their simpering adulation could not push his boat across to heaven

We pass closely heading in different directions in all four known dimensions

Their silly propaganda changes timbre, Doppler shifting with the passing election

We observe a planet perturbing its sun as we are swarmed by microscopic mites

We attack our enemies while trillions of our cells hungrily struggle for their blood supply

Gentle winter sunlight shows the soft side of nuclear fusion on a truly massive scale

We destroy expensive, sophisticated satellites with simple high-speed brute force collisions

I am spinning slowly around in circles but you - You are really making a mark

A sun-glassed business woman phoning in a leased car distractedly strikes a fawn

I am sliding down the hill smiling, never to ascend again

He still climbs upward, his fatigue masked by the anticipation of the run

We both stand quite still as my train leaves you behind at the station

I briefly continue moving in small arcs after stepping off the merry-go-round

This seemingly small increase in temperature rippled through the biosphere

The insects hatched early, the chicks starved and the trees were decimated

My bobber went down just as you roared by shouting hoarsely from your speedboat

I sat down to be served as she struggled with the wood for their cooking fire

Our music and fireworks filled the air but not a sound went into space

I paused behind my muddy ox as your silvery jet gleamed far, far overhead

The difference in our ages would make a full lifetime for someone else

Our fossil bones would mix and date to plus or minus a thousand generations

The look in the eyes of the mutely destitute mother spoke too much to me

He thought disdainfully of all the little words he could ever hope to write

The poverty, filth, sickness, slave labor and lack of hope were as nothing -

Given the wondrous future paradise he learned of in the magnificence of the mosque

The clockwork universe was underpinned by the chaos of quantum uncertainty

Our most basic assumptions proved devastating to our ecological niche

I lay on my back with arms outspread in a field bright with spring flowers

20000 miles above, a geo-synchronous satellite moved right along with me

I breathed deeply as my beautiful vehicle turned oxygen into gases, poisonous to me

You survived by cutting firewood as your goats denuded the drying hillsides

He had his two sons and their daughter-in-laws, so he did not work any more

He strove hard to attain a corporate jet and to earn a 7 figure bonus every year

She remembered as a child that it snowed very heavily and it was always cold

Now, her obese youngsters went about smirkingly in baggy shorts and tees all year round

Each small change was imperceptible but the first and last photos were truly of different men

The runners showed amazing speed, but you casually drove by them so much faster

Dinosaurs dominated the earth for 160 million years but left here 65 million years ago

Our written history began about 5000 years ago with simple bookkeeping records

The sunlight that sustains me takes 8 minutes from its surface to my forehead

Four and a half years later, at 186k mps, it reaches the very nearest star

He looked at me with those soft brown eyes and I just had to stroke his ear

A long line of crowded stinking semis brought more cattle to the slaughterhouse

I am slowing down as you are speeding up, but for a while we have communications

I stand still on this rotating earth, orbiting the sun which revolves about the Milky Way as it moves towards constellation Hydra at a mere 600 kilometers per second

Unrecorded Sunsets

butterflies fluttering through this thick green august haze

and the universe quietly expands away forever, at light speed, in all directions

ancient dragon flies mating on the wing whirling in a gentle breeze

unaware there will be no skies nor even any stars before they could know it

the sun slowly melting the sky red as it sets in the west

how long will that starlight travel on after that one star is gone?

the clouds building up again in their fantastic formulations

how many of the infinite sunsets every day go simply unrecorded?

although life may be evolving from quite simple to more complex,

it seems that cosmic entropy will always be increasing

our naked toes wiggling delightfully in the cool, moist grass of june

so, where then are our memories when matter's density approaches zero?

the present exploding all around and directly into our senses

always faintly echoed off that backdrop we have merey labeled as the eternal void

the mountains lifting high enough to support fantastic snow in summer

someday the planet must be covered uniformly, once again, by the sea

birds calling and their songs replay inside our heads as we are walking

so much more than they had to be, simply to survive just to procreate

the tiny streams endlessly improvising infinite fractal solos upon a single theme

how can those beautiful tinklings have meaning only in our minds?

wildflowers showing different lovely patterns in the spectrum of the infrared

layers of beauty that only insect eyes could naturally appreciate

finding rich evidence for biological progression throughout the long millennia

we can only wonder if the life force itself is somehow self-aware

the restless sea always bringing slightly different waves to the shore

it may be a random pattern, but really, it is not so simple

the sunshine, the clouds, the insects and the plants create a sustaining expectation

another almost-grasped sunset passes us by, perhaps pregnantly, once again

The More It Blurs

The hand that grasps cannot realize the fingers that point

But the mind that is empty remains full of surprises

For those no longer busy

There is always just enough to do

The mind that wanders does not travel far

While the hand that simply reaches out, crosses any border

A people with roots within the earth

Find meaning in simple rain and sun

The man who fears that he might fail

May just be content with what others deal

To glimpse the riverbed through flowing water

Might require good light and a high bank

For those whom time has passed by at last

This could be a blessing they cannot share

A dry summer might not seem important

To sophisticated city dwellers

The more we center all our focus

The more a blur all else becomes

To strive and fail is difficult

To strive again is harder still

For the angry man nothing satisfies

As too little always comes too late

A dog may lie sleeping quietly for hours

Exploding into motion at some unheard noise

The meaning that we attach to things

Removes something from what we understand of them

To sleep is not simply to ignore

To dream is not just to run away

Rain Of Blessings

Rain of blessings falling so very softly everywhere at once, all the time, almost indiscernible

Very quiet and so gentle as to be easily ignored, so light as to go on by, normally unnoticed

Yet flowing away in every dimension, easily outpacing even the expansion of this universe

As faint as the cosmic background radiation, but just as all-pervasive, when tuned in at last

Layer dancing across layer from the pico to the tera scales, from the quantum to the multiverse

Rain of mercy, shower of grace, redemption soaks the lines of each and every smiling face

In the sky shimmers a rainbow of joy from the soft light filtering through these falling blessings

My fevered forehead cooled by the mist off the infinite sea of peace these showers fill

Spinning slowly round and round, I briefly take a place, as I turn like a blossom falling down

Rain of blessings fleetingly opens our eyes wide to that eternal harmony unfolding all around

Perfectly interweaving springs, all from the same source, balance me with calm energy

Radiating mercy from the center of grace, interweaving with cosmic phenomena, out in space

Cooling when it is too hot or warming us like a bath, our faces upturned like little flowers

Their vast and eternal flow carries off our tiny sins just as surely as it erodes all our tiny actions

Rain of blessings, falling in all directions, through every dimension, without an in-between

As always, just as soon as I really sense it, I am instantly overflowing, into those gentle tears

Reflections of rippling waters, echoes of fading footsteps, fossil starlight from so far away

Dirty, smiling, tiny children, gap-toothed old men nodding off in wisdom, gentle yak upon the trail

Cymbals sounding off the vast blue ice fall, uncountable simplicities, all so inextricably bound

Hail of joy briefly awakens sleepers, flood of compassion carries away their joyful images

In my mind, running mostly naked, a brown child glistening in this warm monsoon of cosmic blessings

A Few Revealed Cosmic Truths

Lurking in the fantastic rock and icy rime formations in far off Patagonia

Mutely testifying in the ancient volcanic peaks of Colorado’s snowy San Juans

Now glowing greenly with life behind the mists of a waterfall in western Canada

Once again in the dusty sunset casting orange shadows upon the Sahara dunes

Overt in the tender embrace of the Emperor penguin pair late in March

Subtle in the bird-filled potholed beauty of summer on the Northern Plains

In the deep blue of ocean waters far from shore, it came to me once again

So strong in Autumn when the trees ignite in their colored riots

In the books of physiology, anatomy, astronomy and cosmology

There in the depths of her brown eyes and the soft timbre of her voice

Echoed in the stately waltz of sun’s planets, moons, asteroids and comets

Exploding into the air with the glistening Dali colors of leaping giant blue marlins

Sensed in the sound made by a heavy snowfall when all else is so very still

Mirrored in the music made by those who bring it forth for us to bear witness

Exactly the same thing from the loon far off across one of countless northern lakes

Part of the cold but fiery light that flares just for moments on distant peaks, near sunset

Chanted in river songs that never change theme but never repeat a single riff

Whirling under the great hazy wheel of the Milky Way on moonless winter nights

Left in messages on mossy boulders, tilled and striated by ice age glaciers

Within the phases of the moon and the slow flowing of the sun with the seasons

The amazing electromechanical mystery of a lifetime of regular heartbeats

The physical constants which could not differ, even in their 8^th decimal place

Pattern and order of huge swells coming to the shore in perfect weather

A baby elephant surrounded by aunts as he peeps out from under his mother

Warm-blooded miracle of the mighty bluefin tuna racing in schools at 35 MPH

The earth’s heat balance unconsciously maintained by the great ocean currents

Marine fossils upthrusted in the high Himalayas, tracing millions of years in earth’s history

The massive blue whale gently nudging her newborn upward, to its first breath of air

Mathematics we uncovered which predict the orbits of heavenly bodies

The ability to see backwards in time through the lens of a telescope

The complex web of interactions that makes up good living soil

The orderly struggle of succession that results in a stately climax forest

The fault tolerance of the mammalian brain in its reaction to even savage trauma

The incredible functionality bundled within every tiny common house fly

The feel of the gnarled exposed inner bark of an ancient bristlecone pine

Pondering those Greek, Roman, Mayan, Incan and Cambodian ruins

Puzzling over the differences between the uncountable and the infinite

Visualizing length from the quantum scale to light years in distance

Imagining time intervals from tiny Planck units to the estimated age of the universe

Mute testimony of a feathery archaeopteryx, petrified for unimaginable eons

Miracle of the hummingbird in flight revealed by ultra slow motion film

Spring dawn over the Andes flying south from short and gray northern December days

The wonder at our invention of cheese, wine, bread and beer

The boggling number of stars in each of the astonishing number of galaxies

Mystical, detailed and semiotic patterns on the birds, reptiles and amphibians

Perfect silent grace of a healthy mature tree, wherever it was chosen to testify

Surfing the warm salty ocean with a view of snow-capped Mauna Kea

Love which lasts for years even as the crazy world changes while we age

Observing Petri dish population growth curves over time

Trying to grasp the timeframe of earth’s ages in comparison to man’s short history

Earthrise on a silent starry black background, tiny against the surrounding void

Realizing the meaning of our endless, futile and brutal religious struggles

Seeing our perfect footprints completely erased by that first gentle wave

Shivering with wonder at the wolf’s lonely howl in the endless winter night

Realizing the hopeless, but inescapable, moral mandate, despite our endless struggle

Involuntary loss of vision, strength, vigor, endurance and fluid intelligence

The consummate and non-reflective, totally unstrained adaptation of all the cats

The instantaneous color responses of the octopus to changes in background and stimuli

Computing acceleration and velocity and their changes at any instant

Seeing dolphins and seals riding the waves for their own personal reasons

Watching killer whales toss live baby seals into the air to teach their own offspring

That deep, true aboriginal veneration of the earth and its cycles and its creatures

Tacit, yet unbreakable, contract of the bear, salmon, eagle, coyote and raven

The whisperings of a spring tide running strongly into a wide and deep inlet

The welcome warm sun on a cool day upon emerging from clean water

Being very close with a loved one as you both prepare for them to pass away

Laughing out loud time and again until our stomachs are sore and tears fill our eyes

Missing the rhythm and beauty of all existence long before we leave it

Glory of the late Pleistocene mega-fauna, now all gone away once and forever

The 100 million year reign of the dinosaurs already over for 65 million years

Tales of the Black Death, its Grateful Dead and our ashes all falling, falling down

Peaceful sounds of children at play mixing with bird songs from all directions

Rapid tracings of an electron gun we perceive as a stream from another reality

Raptor crying overhead casting echoes down a quiet canyon

The lessons we pass on from our slaughter of the buffalo and the Indians

The tectonic peregrination of the very continents, all about the globe

A sideways glimpse caught in an unexpected mirror by a momentary stranger

Watching as wavelets from our pebbles merge and fade away upon a quiet pond