My Fool Errands Led Me Here

For so long that false but pervasive urgency molded my perception of how it is and what it should be

I always awaited some trite event which quickly faded off into my incomplete and jumbled blur

At times I thought I was stepping sagely back, but really that was just one more, too hurried task

I strained so long under that pointless stress that I felt empty when I was casually cast off for good

Thought I saved time religiously, but although I never even spent a bit, my account is empty now

Drove thousands of angry and wasted miles between demeaning jobs and dysfunctional homes

Found novel ways to make foolish noise when I should have known to keep to a good silence

Exhausted by the vapid over-stimulation, I convinced myself I had grabbed for all their gusto

My fool errands led me on, time and again, growing older without noticing, almost til the end

I thought I traveled widely but I viewed everything with the same unquestionable beliefs

My lot was insipid variation upon pointless tasks prodded by the greedy, shallow and insecure

Overheated by implanted artificial needs I nosed blindly towards this infinite shared abyss

Their droppings stained me from above as we raced on the same treadmill for canned rewards

Any brief satisfaction was rapidly eroded by the over-hyped flood of the New and Improved

Often in the frenzy I caught short, sideways glances at details I vowed I must later consider

Sometimes I awoke from odd, confusing dreams, and felt thankful to be rapidly re-absorbed

Briefly disconcerted by my elders passing, I was quickly reassured that our lives must go on

I stumbled on after that hazy HappyEverAfter always radiating just beyond my event horizon

I never realized how the endless greedy distractions merely kept me quiet and uncomplaining

Expensively-empty vacations and merchants holidays kept me pedaling furiously in place

I lay in the night vainly craving the hollow diversions they had convinced me were so important

Too willingly did I suffer chronic fools in a synthetic hope of achieving their venal illusions

Slowly I realized I must race ever faster towards goals I clearly had never really specified

But, For Right Now, I always had this to Get Over With and that to Get Out Of The Way

Dutifully, I carted the kids between enriching activities they quickly and indifferently forgot

I envisioned a contemplative future but, sadly, my body wore out and my mind grew confused

Sociopaths set me to useless tasks, seeking only to lend some meaning to their own wasted cycles

Kept in the dark, led by the greedy, I slapped up their Just For Now with my own Quick And Dirty

I repeated their vile catechism of eternal vigilance, always preparing for more savage conflict

Brought back tiny inscrutable nuggets of extra-media clarity from times of sickness or injury

Forced myself to attend to their ever-changing office plumage and corporate sloganeering

Pretended my noisy, gas-powered wreckreation provided a fulfilling and re-invigorating relaxation

Gorged myself into obesity and illness mistaking nervous, gnawing emptiness for real hunger

Left the awful, incomprehensible future to the fuzzy heaven I financed through His Sales Reps

In the end, tried in vain just to stay in the rat race that I thought all along I was striving to escape

Struck finally into deaf silence by the blind truth of an everlastingly colorless and empty void

In Cannabis Lunaticas

In Reefer there lies Madness, but, yea, In Vino Veritas

I wont ever get caught dead after going off red-faced and loud, just looking for a fight

I can’t Even imagine beating up on the wife, abusing my kids and kicking around our dog

Never curse, moan and stagger around the house in between bouts of bilious vomiting

Don’t wake up sick, weak, foul-smelling and depressed again on an otherwise fine morning

Sat very still in a calm silence, listening to the hum of the great wheel as we all spun round

Gave thanks for the peace I was granted, knowing well it was for just a few brief moments

Started to realize how short my life was and how carefully I should choose far fewer words

Almost got hurt once from laughing so hard and long with my friends that my stomach ached

Will not lose control of my truck and slam into innocent families, to roll over and over again

Would never have picked up a firearm and stumbled off into the night, gunning for something

Couldn’t dream of losing it all and blurting out slurred insults laced with filthy obscenities

Never had to apologize later in the burning shame of blindly and stupidly hurting those I love

Popped in ear buds and enjoyed the music as loud as I wanted, without spreading any noise

Could even see just how lucky I was, and always had been, and just sit giving off a little thanks

Calmed my heartbeat, lowered my blood pressure, slowed my breathing rate… And it was OK

Why, I even thought about ways I might try to make things a bit better, in some small way

Do not have to lurch around blind and crippled, breaking stuff and accumulating guilt

Hadn’t the need for pain relievers and sunglasses simply to be able to get out of bed

Did not awake to find I had spent a whole lot of money but without any idea on what

Wasn’t nastily surprised to find new dents in my cars and gross stains on my good clothes

Often spent unproductive hours quietly reading, fueled by an herb-enhanced imagination

Rejected their warlike drumbeats and staccato metal electric guitar strikes for simple acousticals

Was often overcome by a miraculous sense of the fleeting nature of my tiny, dumb-luck life

Took time to peer down into the finer details and see some more of their fractal connections

Never have to sleep it off in my car until I’m finally sobered up enough to weave on home

Don’t awaken hoarse and hungover from drunkenly screaming over some phony sports event

Can’t see dulling my senses, slowing my reflexes, losing my reason and calling it unwinding

Don’t want to destroy my brain, poison my liver and ruin my sleep patterns for no real reason

Sharpened my appetite, sparked my imagination and, yes, even thought outside the box

Listened to my body, calmed my thoughts, relaxed and took time to regroup and re-consider

Strove to slow things down just for a moment and put them in their places before moving on

Quietly relaxed and fell into a good sleep to awaken calmly and clearly on another lucky day

Wont be really starting to want more right when I should know I’ve already had too much

Don’t have to try and dull the pain and smother the memories only to make them both worse

Ain’t gonna suffer thru the guilt of blackouts, outbursts and useless losses of time and money

Will never again have that first thought be a promise to myself that This was the last time